The Real Reason
by scrapmom
Summary: This takes place during Bash, and begins the day Kurt is released from the hospital. What is the real reason Kurt is pushing Blaine away, and how is it really affecting Blaine?


**A/N This is the first fic I've written for season 5. Most of my others are from seasons 2 & 3, or are AU, so I thought I'd try something new. That and also the fact that I hate them living apart and don't like how Kurt is pushing Blaine away a little. So this is my way of changing canon! **

**The Real Reason**

"It's getting late. You should probably go." Kurt said, standing up from the couch where they had been watching tv.

"But I was hoping I could stay." Blaine said, with a hint of pouty in his voice. "You just got out of the hospital."

"Yes, and that's why I think you should go. You were there every day and now you need to go back to your place and get some sleep."

"I sleep better with you, and I just want to be close to you." Blaine said, giving his fiancé his best puppy dog stare.

"Not tonight, Blaine. I just need some time."

The younger boys shoulders slumped, knowing that he'd do anything Kurt wanted. He just needed to be in the same space as Kurt, needed to know that he was safe. Since the attack, he'd had so many nightmares about Kurt getting hurt that he'd given up sleep in favor of lots of coffee. The only time he could catch any rest was when he was sitting next to Kurt in the hospital, so he lived on those cat naps for the past few days.

He was so happy when Kurt was released from the hospital, and when they decided to just veg in front of the tv he assumed Kurt was expecting him to stay. Apparently, he thought wrong. Now he gets to put on the supportive boyfriend hat, when inside he's dying. But this is about Kurt, and he'll do anything to make him happy.

He got up from the couch and took Kurt's hand gently in his, taking care not to touch the bruised knuckles. "Ok then, at least let me tuck you in." He said, leading him to bed.

While Kurt got changed and brushed his teeth, Blaine turned down the bed and arranged the pillows so his lover would be comfortable. When Kurt emerged, he smiled at the scene in front of him.

Blaine was sitting on the edge of the bed, fluffing his favorite pillow. Blaine turned and stood up, holding up the covers when he hear Kurt behind him. The taller man got in to bed gingerly and moved around to get comfortable, Blaine standing there, waiting. When he finally settled down, Blaine reached down and gave Kurt a gentle kiss on the forehead, avoiding all the cuts and bruises.

"I love you," he whispered. "Sleep well."

"Love you too." Kurt replied, eyes drooping.

Blaine pulled the curtain as he exited what used to be 'their' bedroom. He knew Kurt didn't want him there, but he couldn't bring himself to leave, so he walked over to the couch and sat down, grabbing the pillow Kurt had just been leaning on and held it to his face, breathing in his lovers scent, as the tears began to fall.

He'd only been there a few minutes when the door opened and Rachel walked in. He pretended to be asleep, but he knew she wasn't buying it, because he couldn't muffle the sobs that kept escaping his body.

"Blaine, what's wrong? Is Kurt ok?" She asked, moving to the couch to sit down beside him. He looked up from the pillow and she gasped. He knew he must look a mess, but couldn't bring himself to care.

"Kurt's fine." He said, his voice thick. "Sleeping."

"Then why are you out here? You need your sleep too, you know."

"He asked me to leave. Didn't want me to stay tonight, but..." he tried, but failed to hold back another sob, and Rachel put her hand on his back and pulled him into a hug. He allowed her to comfort him for a moment before pulling back and turning in on himself.

"I'll give him his space, but I need to be near him. I just..." Rachel watched as one of friends fell apart in front of her, burying his face in a pillow and crying.

She felt so guilty after what happened to Kurt and she knew Blaine did too, but he held himself together so well, she wasn't surprised he was finally letting go. But it hurt her that Kurt seemed to be pushing him away.

She was surprised when the two boys had decided Blaine should move out. They seemed to be getting along so well, but she also knew Kurt tended to pull into himself when things got to be too much. As she watched Blaine weep, her heart went out to him. Maybe if Kurt wouldn't open up to him, she could at least get Blaine to open up to her.

She moved forward a little and put her hand on his back again, rubbing small circles to calm him. "Want to talk about it?" She asked gently.

He looked up then, with tear stained cheeks, and she thought he was going to refuse, but surprised her when he answered, "I would. Thanks Rachel." She smiled softly at him, and urged him to start when he was ready. "I feel so lost." He admitted sadly, and the admission tugged at her heart. "When I moved here, I was so excited. Kurt and I would finally be able to be together. We'd been apart for so long, and it was hard. At least for me."

"It was hard for him too."

"I know, but he's so much stronger than me. Sure, I act like I have it all together, but it just that...an act. I am so lost, and only feel myself when I'm around Kurt. I know that's why he felt like I was crowding him, but I was just so happy to be with him again, and I guess I over did it. So I moved out. I didn't tell him this, but it killed me. I miss him so much, even though I get to see him everyday. But I know he needs his space, so I'm willing to do anything I can to make him happy."

"You make him happy, Blaine. You know that." She tried to reassure him.

"I hope so, but..." He paused, afraid of admitting the rest out loud. He took a shaky breath and continued. "What if he is never comfortable living with me? I mean, after we get married, what if I'm too much for him?" He put his head back in the pillow again and cried. Rachel just sat there, her heart breaking for this broken boy in front of her.

She had no doubt that Kurt loved Blaine, but he did have a bad habit of pushing people away. She had watched the two boys when they explained why Blaine was moving out, and while Kurt seemed perfectly fine with it, as did Blaine, but she noticed a sadness behind Blaine's eyes. Now, after what happened, Kurt was pushing Blaine away even more, and she saw the toll it was having on the younger man, and she was worried for him and for them.

After Blaine's crying subsided again she spoke. "You need to tell Kurt."

"How am I going to do that? We are trying to act like adults and here I am, a sad, pathetic excuse for a man, crying about the fact that my fiancé keeps pushing me away." He spat out bitterly.

"Blaine, that's not true."

"You know what, Rachel? You know why this is so hard? He's all I have. Literally. My parents could care less where I am or what I'm doing, and my brother is so focused on himself, he barely remembers I'm alive. I lost touch with all the Warblers when I moved to McKinley, and Sam, well...he's Sam, and now he has Mercedes. That leaves me all alone. But Kurt, he has so many people...his dad, who is the best, and Carole, you, Elliot, Mercedes...hell, all of New Directions. He doesn't need me."

"Blaine, you have us too." She said, putting her hand over his in a comforting manner. "We are all here for you."

"Look, I know you all care about me, ok, but Kurt is the reason I know you all. And I care about you all too, very much, but it's not the same, ok? When I met Kurt, everyone thinks I saved him, but in reality, he saved me. Don't get me wrong, I loved Dalton and my friends in the Warbler's, but I was living a lie. I was being the person I thought I should be, not the person I really was. When I met Kurt, that all changed. I could be myself with him and everything just felt so right. I knew right away that I he would be in my life forever. It took me a long time for me to realize in what capacity, but once I did, my entire life changed. And all I want to do is be with him everyday and make him as happy as he makes me."

"I told you, you already do make him happy. Blaine, since he met you he's been a more confident, open and loving person. He had some tough times growing up, but when you came into his life, you gave him courage." Blaine let out a little laugh at that, and Rachel look at him puzzled.

"I used to send him text messages that said courage." He explained.

"So that's why he had a collage of that word in his locker?" She said.

Blaine smiled at that, knowing that he'd had such an influence on Kurt's life. Then the smile faded when he realized where they were now. "He didn't need me. Sure, my words helped him, but it was still all him. As a matter of fact, I probably hurt him more than I helped him during those first few months. Then I..." He couldn't even say the word. He knew how much he'd hurt Kurt when he cheated, and he hated himself so much for that. He was just missing him and he thought that not only was Kurt not feeling the same way, but that he was pushing him away, so he lashed out, in the worst way possible.

And now, Kurt was pushing him away again. He knew he'd never hurt Kurt like that again, but he also had no idea how to deal with all the emotions he was holding in.

"Blaine, don't keep beating yourself up over that, ok. You got through it."

"Barely." He whispered, his voice cracking over the simple word.

"If you can't tell Kurt yet, tell me what you are feeling. I think it will help to get it off your chest. You're my friend too, Blaine and I love you." She saw the tears well up in his eyes as she spoke and pulled him in for a quick hug.

"It's so stupid. I was doing what he asked, giving him space, hanging out at the loft with Sam while he was out there..." He couldn't finish and took a deep breath. "When I got the call, I died inside. Sure I held it together for everyone on the outside, but I was falling apart piece by piece on the inside. And every minute that went by and he didn't wake up, I lost myself a little more." He wiped the tears off his cheeks with the back of his hand, trying not to be embarrassed at breaking down in front of Rachel.

"Oh Blaine." She said, tears of her own cascading down her face. "It wasn't until he woke up that I could fully breathe again. I don't know what I would have done if...h-he's everything to me." He was full on sobbing now, albeit quietly so as not to disturb Kurt. "I don't think I would have been able to go on if he hadn't woken up. My life isn't worth living if he's not a part of it." He calmed himself down again before continuing. "But I honestly don't know what to do anymore. He keeps pushing me away and...I know he loves me, but is it enough?" "

It's everything." Came the reply from behind the curtain.

Within seconds Blaine was pulled off the couch and into Kurt's arms. "I'm so sorry baby. I didn't even stop to think how much this affected you. God, I love you so much and it kills me to think that you doubt that." Kurt was speaking into Blaine's ear as he held on for dear life.

Rachel quietly got up and retreated to her room. She knew they would work everything out now. She hoped Kurt heard everything Blaine had confessed. She suspected he was awake when she found Blaine on the couch, which is why she tried to keep him talking. Kurt needed to hear how much his aloofness was hurting Blaine, and she knew that Blaine would be more forthcoming with her. Sometimes the curtain walls were a good thing. Of course, she would change her mind not twenty minutes later when the two boys retreated to 'their' room to have make up sex, but that's why she was so thankful for earbuds.

The boys continued their conversation, oblivious to Rachel's departure. "I don't doubt that you love me, but..."

"Blaine, you need to listen to me. I heard everything." Blaine started to pull back then, so Kurt guided them both to the couch, but refused to let Blaine retreat into himself. "I'm so sorry I pulled away from you, but it's not for the reasons you think. I'm scared, Blaine. We were apart for so long, and when you finally moved in, it was bliss. I've never been so happy. But you have to understand that I don't get to stay happy. Whenever things seem to be going well, something bad happens. First, I lost my mom, then dad and I finally got to a good place in our relationship, he had a heart attack. I met you, which was the best day of my life, but you didn't feel the same at first. I came to New York, my lifelong dream, and our relationship couldn't stand the pressure. We got back together and then you moved here. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I guess I'm trying to protect myself before it does."

"Oh babe, it doesn't have to happen like that. Life just has its share of up and downs, and what makes us stronger is how we deal with them."

"Dammit Blaine, stop." He said angrily. The younger boy was confused.

"What?"

"Don't go back to perfect Warbler Blaine. You are not taking care of me this time, ok? I'm trying to take care of you. You rarely let me see your vulnerable side, but it's important. I had no idea you were feeling so lost and alone. You put on such a good face, and even though I know you and can read you like a book, you can still use the old dapper Blaine personality to fool me. But I don't want that. I don't want you to suggest or agree to something just because you think it's what I want. This is a two way relationship. And I am just as guilty as you are with that, though. I was pushing you away and telling you it was because I felt smothered, when in fact I was just protecting myself from whatever hurt might be coming."

"Kurt, I won't hurt you again. I promise. I am just so happy to be here with you. God, I love you more than you will ever know. You are my life, and all I want is to spend everyday showing you that. But I don't want to pressure you or smother you or make you feel overwhelmed."

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry. I don't want you to think your love is smothering me. It's true, I do need some alone time sometimes, but that doesn't mean I love you any less. You are my life too, Blaine. I'm sorry if I don't tell you that enough, but it's true. I know you said I have many people who care about me, and it's true, but the most important person to me is you. I love you so much and I'm sorry if you felt I didn't."

"I know you love me, but..."

"No but's. I do love you. More than anything, and I want you to move back in. I can't believe I ever thought you leaving was a good idea. I haven't been able to sleep well since you left. I miss cuddling, and I especially miss waking up next to you."

"Then why did you want me to leave tonight?" Blaine asked softly.

"I didn't, really. But I thought you needed sleep, and we had agreed to live apart, so I thought it would be for the best. Clearly my thought process was messed up. Maybe the brick knocked loose my common sense." He tried to make a joke about it, but Blaine pulled him in for a big hug, careful to not squeeze too hard.

"Please don't joke about that. Not yet. I almost lost you and I can't..."

"Baby, I'm here. It's ok. We're ok. I love you so much, and I promise I'll make more of an effort to tell you and show you everyday."

"I love you too, Kurt. More than anything." He pulled back and gently rubbed his thumb over the bruised cheek, before leaning in and placing a soft kiss on the right side of Kurt's lips avoiding the split lip on the other side.

Kurt whined at the quick kiss and Blaine laughed, then gasped when Kurt pulled him back and attached their lips together. Sure, it hurt a little, but it hurt worse not to kiss his amazing fiancé.

When he pulled back, he saw the lust in Blaine's eyes to match his own. Blaine spoke up then. "Hot make-up sex isn't possible this time, but that doesn't mean I can't find other ways to take care of my man." His eyes twinkled as he stood up, pulling Kurt with him into their bedroom.

Rachel's music barely drowned out Kurt's low moans as his lover did everything possible to make sure he recovered from _all_ of his afflictions.


End file.
